Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
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That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.