*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
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“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Sorry. Not sorry
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll