@XennDad
@BlindChow Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
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@BlindChow 
@thrill_tweeter Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
@smerobin I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
@MamaNeedsACoke My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
@Mardigroan There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
@bestestname I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
@KalvinMacleod HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
@Marlebean “Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
@BuckyIsotope Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
@corysnearowski My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night