passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
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If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those