passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?

jackfruit: oh nothing

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Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*


Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.


I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.


My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’

He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.


There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.


I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.


HER: it’s over between us

ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?

HER: I thought you would stop

ME: sew it seamed


“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”


“Oh you mean questions about the job!”


Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*


My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night