@XennDad

passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?

jackfruit: oh nothing

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@BlindChow

Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*

@thrill_tweeter

Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.

@smerobin

I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.

@MamaNeedsACoke

My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’

He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.

@Mardigroan

There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.

@bestestname

I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.

@KalvinMacleod

HER: it’s over between us

ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?

HER: I thought you would stop

ME: sew it seamed

@Marlebean

“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”

Interviewer:…

“Oh you mean questions about the job!”

@BuckyIsotope

Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*

@corysnearowski

My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night