*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
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My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…