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my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold