Passwords are more important than ever.
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If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
repaired
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.