Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
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I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Ok, but like, how married are you?
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!