Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
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*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.