The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
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[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.
*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
ME: Get me your manager
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.