Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
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I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.