PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
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Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
Need this in my life lol
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
This is amazing.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!