Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
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ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors