Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
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If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Stop it! 😂
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.