PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
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me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Sticker placement is key.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”