Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
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when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
$4 #usedbooks
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.