PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
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Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
lol
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey