PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
You Might Also Like
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
my first dose meeting my second
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]