PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
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The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
me refusing to leave twitter
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should