[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
You Might Also Like
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
So that’s what we looked like?
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Tremendous stuff
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Impervious: being an admitted pervert