Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
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Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?