@DocAroundThClok

[Patient room]

ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell

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@SteveSuckington

[first date]

Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole

Her: I know how juice boxes work

Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?

@Contwixt

A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.

@underwatertank

I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?

@Mormonger

Veganism is responsible for The Fall.

Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.

@TheAndrewNadeau

LADIES, imagine this.

It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.

@DeanB15

I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁

@Birdhumms

I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.

@AndyAsAdjective

Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?