PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
You Might Also Like
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
People buying plungers never look happy.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie