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In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
It’s Mental Health Day today.
– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
liiiiiiiiike
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.