*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
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Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”