*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
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Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors