Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
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Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.