Banana is the quietest snack
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
You Might Also Like
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
“How did your grammar competition go?”
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.