*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
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If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom