Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
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2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Good morning, Twitter 😊
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
If only
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager