@AimeeHelene1

*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*

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@amishschool

A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.

@primawesome

Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.

@ShaunRightNow

Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.

@TopherKearby

I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!

“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”

Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.

@smells_fine

[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash

@subtweetopath

If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.

@Goldishocks

Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.