*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
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My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”