“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
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[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Canadian owl: Eh?
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Oh my God.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
eating my hot dog hamburger style