“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
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My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.