Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.

*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is

4 AM

BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there

Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?

5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand

Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.

“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist

Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?

Me: yes

Therapist: then maybe-

Me: *looking up from phone* wait no

i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it

Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?

Me: only twice a year

Them: and how long does it last?

Me: 6 months

Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop

Son: Why

[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]

Me: He’s a racist

Why I divorced her.

You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.

[Murder mystery dinner]

ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.

ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?

spider: sup

me: omg stay away

spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider

me: there’s good spiders?

spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you

Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.

So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.

I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.

I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.

Dad, we’re right in front of you

Uh….. go ask your mom.

Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.

Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.

WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic

THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?

ME: No. It should be fewer arguments

I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.

Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.

People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it

Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.

Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”

You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.

Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?

Wife: Well latel-

Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-

Attorney: Ok, got it

All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.

My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.

[in car on a road trip]

Me (checks clock): 5:07

*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*

Me (checks clock): 5:08