“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
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2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
Why I divorced her.
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You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08