“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
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Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
spiders in your apartment after the landlord paints over them
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.