“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
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If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
lol
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics