“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
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Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.