PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
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Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
just gave your address to some spiders
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
What a year we’ve had this week.