Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
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My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.