Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
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Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever