@UnFitz
@jwoodham I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
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@jwoodham 
@CCRuns {at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
@envydatropic How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
@Bownuggets Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
@illuminatedwndr “Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
@awkwardphilippe Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
@KingRainhead When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
@TheCiscoKidder 5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
@Reverend_Scott WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
@LoveNLunchmeat I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?