“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”

– me, peeping at you in the shower

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I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.


{at the dentist}

Hygienist: Let’s just have a look

Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.

Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.


How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?

Me looking at your eyebrows


Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room


“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”

hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well


When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”


5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?

Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.


WIFE: What are you doing?

ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga

WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?


WIFE: You fell down the stairs

ME: Yes


I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?