“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
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[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.