Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
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*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
My time has come.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Sorry. Not sorry
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.