@jonnysun

*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now

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@Aunchkin

“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.

@volks__

Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …

@XplodingUnicorn

My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.

I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.

Just kidding.

I moved the damn towel.

@brunopieroni

“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.

@junejuly12

Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:

@InThaBurbs

Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.

@Lisa_Bizzle

Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”

And he can, he can hold them all.