“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
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Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
I moved the damn towel.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Note to self: I am a note
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Me: I don’t really.
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer