*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
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Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
What number SPF blocks people?
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses