@Aunchkin “I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
@jonnysun *paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
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@Aunchkin 
@volks__ Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
@XplodingUnicorn My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
@brunopieroni “Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
@iLikeCatShirts Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
@panmidwest Note to self: I am a note
@junejuly12 Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
@InThaBurbs Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
@Lisa_Bizzle Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
@CoatCzech “Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer