[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
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Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal