Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
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Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
I drew y’all a little something.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”