[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
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Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
What’s a Messi?
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.