Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
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Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
felt that
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna