PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
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I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.