“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
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Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Whisper out to librarians!
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
I put the mess in domestic.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
guys I’m going home
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.