*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
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spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?