Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
You Might Also Like
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
i want the dreams to chase me for once
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Sell your car
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips