Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
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I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
181.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”