Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
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A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.