Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
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Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it