[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
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At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom