[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
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my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!