@ghostkrogh

[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*

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@AngelaTheAwful

Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.

@bea_ker

[in ambulance]

“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”

Yes it was like an angry rope

@JohnLyonTweets

I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

@ParentNormal

VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year

@UnFitz

“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.

@Cpin42

He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.

@mxmclain

There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce

@HarleyPlays

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

@TheToddWilliams

WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?