[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
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Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?