“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
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It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Phones down.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —